Today was an unusually hot day, and the earache symptoms came back and I had to fight them. It seems that on hot, dry days the symptoms flare up. In working through what’s going on possibly with me, I discovered that for most of life, I have felt a guilt due to my own sense of inadequacy, stemming from my childhood. And I realized that even when I don’t feel the guilt, it’s always in the background, buzzing on a low level, perhaps, like the noise you hear when you live in the city.

How would you feel if, when you’re a child, your parents one tell come to you and tell you that you have to do well in school because everyone else’s kid was doing so well? This happened to me, and I remembered the solemn exhortation from them from time to time to succeed academically in order to bring “honor to the family”. At the time I took it in stride, but now that I think about it, that is a lot of pressure to put on a child of 7 or 8 years old! And around 8 years of age was when I began to have a bunch of problems. I became nearsighted around that time, I lost all my friends, my grades suffered, I lost my best friend because she moved away. And I realize that life has never been the same since. I went from a relatively normal child to an being an outcast, a loner, and not willingly.

All of this brought tears to my eyes, which always help with these sinus/earaches. I also listened to Andrew Wommack’s four-series teachings on one’s destiny. It was such an eye-opener! To think that if Saul had waited for Samuel to come and do the sacrifice, and not offered it himself, God would have continued his reign and blessed his descendants, and that David was God’s plan B, not his first choice! It is indeed, hard to imagine. But it assures us that God’s plan B can be much greater than even plan A!

All right, time for me to get back to focusing on God….