Okay, so I haven’t done as well these past couple of days, I feel. I have been so focused on my son’s fever that I haven’t focused as well on Bible study or God as much as I should. I am also a little worried because today is the last day of antibiotics for my ear infection, and yet somehow I do not think that it is all gone. The funny thing is, the past two days at home, focusing on my son and all, I did not feel any pain in my head or ears, and was beginning to grow confident that it was gone. However, yesterday, after returning to the office, it acted up again, and today also. The pain and twinges are not as severe, but nevertheless I could feel them.

It occurred to me that I should just call up my doctor and ask for additional antibiotics if I was concerned. Why did the thought not occur to me earlier, and why did I feel reluctant to do it? It was as if I would rather hope that the infection would go away and leave me alone, and stew in anxiety, instead of being proactive about my health. This is something that I have struggle with since I was a child. My mother would fuss over me in such a negative way whenever I got sick (which was often) that after awhile, I just didn’t want to bother her with it anymore. I endured two days of terrible ear pain when I was eight years old, not knowing what it was. The first day it was all in my right ear, and the second day, it went to my left, but I never told my parents. It was dumb, but for once I wanted to feel like I was strong and could take care of myself. However, I was obviously scared, and not being able to share it with even a friend was very stressful. Perhaps this is where my anxiety often comes from.

I liked how Sabina Shalom in her book, “The Marriage Sabbatical”, describes how she used to be such a people-pleaser, but once she finished her trip, it was like something had freed up within her. She no longer felt the need to please anyone unduly, but rather, she became honest and straightforward in her speech and manners, and stopped caring about what others thought of her. I think I am finally going to that stage, too. It’s a strange thing but I think it is rare for women to be that independent and confident at a young age. Usually a lot of us stop caring about what others think when we reach our 30s or at middle age. Once liberated from the shackles of society’s opinion, we rediscover themselves – our interests, hobbies, passions, etc., and we pursue them without waiting for permission. Sabina also details the “growing-up” process she went through, how she learned and grew until she did not feel the need to have her husband share in every one of her thoughts, feelings and interests. She was strong internally and she could survive without it, if need be. Obviously this freed her from all resentment and expectations that she had of her husband. And I suppose that is where I want to be also, for I suspect that for the longest time I have let my fear of people’s opinions and my expectations of them ruin my mood, cause me anxiety, fear, doubt, disillusionment, resentment, anger, etc.

But that is not where Jesus was at. He was always kind to the unbelieving and the wicked, too, and he told his followers to be merciful like that. He did not rely on man’s opinion of him, because he knew what was in the heart of a man, but rather he relied on his father God. For even his disciples failed him in his hour of need. A normal person would have chafed at that and resented it. But Jesus gave his life on the cross selflessly for those who failed him. And I am to follow in his footsteps.

I have felt somewhat at a loss to have an intimate relationship with God that does not depend upon ritual, tradition, or even today’s conventional church doctrine. No, I want to have the kind of relationship that Moses had with God, where he was radiant after speaking with God on the mountain. I guess that I have never truly felt free with hardly anyone, except for my best friends from college and my husband. When I say free, I mean, the freedom to truly be oneself, to let out all of one’s thoughts and feelings and silliness and share them with the other person. No, I always feel a certain formality or politeness to my relationships. It is a barrier, to say the least. I often feel helpless to truly help others with their problems, and they often think I am a pleasant, polite person but they don’t automatically confide in me as a confidant, not unless I ask them about their life. So I feel that my impact for Christ is diminished because of it. This has been something I have been at a loss to deal with for the longest time. But now that I have been growing more confident as a person, I am coming out of my shell more, laughing at jokes and even giving humor. Sometimes I still feel self-conscious, but it’s amazing how much more one can give as a person when one is not worried about that.

Anyway, this is my long-winded post about my current state of relationship wit God and others. I hope to draw closer to God, having a free, spontaneous, intimate relationship with him, one where I am able to trust him with every part of my life, my thoughts, emotions, my soul.